If you were going to fix the Economy up with a friend, who do you see as the Economy's type?  The Economy is down, so maybe what it needs is to just clear out the pipes.  Go for a swing, as it were.  Who could you fix the Economy up with though?

There's many different faces to the U.S. Economy.  Bloomberg Businessweek reports, the U.S. Economy is partly consumer confidence and it is up as high as it has been since March 2008 .  Consumer confidence measures American financial firmness as well as readiness to buy something big ticket like a car.

John Boehner declares Americans "want spending cut and they want it cut now."  This side of the Economy is no nonsense; demanding like a German dominatrix.  The Economy apparently is in need of a good spanking, hot wax and nipple clamps may be in order with a bit of degrading dirty talk. 

Fox News: Lawmaker Urges Obama to Tackle Debt

Host Bill Hemmer starts the verbal degradation by publically flaunting the Economy's dirty debt crisis secret.  The Economy is well on its way to owing more than it makes in income.  Like most Americans, the Economy is already in the hole but looking to stuff a couple 50's into an energetic G-String.  The Economy apparently isn't too smart because it's still paying for stuff it already got.  The Economy is saying, "My car?  Yeah, I'm paying for that."

Whatever you do, don't fix the Economy up with any of your friends that like to read Dostoyevsky.  It's just a waste of time.  The Economy is more Nickolodean than PBS.  Neil Cavuto shows better than anyone an Economy in need of simple confrontation and simple talk.

Fox News: Executives Sweat Financial Reform Bill

Be careful who you introduce to this Economy.  Nobody really knows Who the Economy owes money to anyway?  Some might say, you don't want to know.  The whole ordeal is dirty and secretive.  In the underground, word is a transvesite prostitute rolled the Economy after a night of sweaty surprises.  It was easy, if not awkward, when over tequila and Jack Daniels the Economy said she looked ready for a romp, but when the illusion wore off and the Economy owed that tranny more money than it could make people started to get nervous.  That was when the rumors of grandchildren paying our debt started.  The tranny might have been Chinese or Korean, but nobody really knew who to make the check out to?  After that binge, the Economy kept asking "Doesn't someone out there owe me some money?

Enter Ben Bernanke : the classy side of the Economy

Regardless of what happened the night before, Mr. Bernanke walked into the U.S. House Budget Committee in a suit and tie.  He looked classy and ready to present the Economy's best side.

"Chairman Spratt, Ranking Member Ryan, and other members of the Committee, I am pleased to have this opportunity to offer my views on current economic and financial conditions and on issues pertaining to the federal budget."

He's the Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board of Governors and he's best friends with the Economy.  Ben Bernanke's audience devours his words with a sycophantic intensity capable of generating a reaction similar to a home pregnancy test.  He talks about the Economy like it's ours.  Bernanke makes the Economy seem like the person living next door.  This Economy might come over and bum some sugar from you. 

Overshadowed by internet and spreadsheets, this Economy will bore you to tears with tales of binary money trails transmitting away from you to some corporation or another.  Bernanke is very formal in his presentation of the Economy.  It's as if the Economy were a royal court informing the King on the state of his coffers.

This side of the Economy loves formality hiding the you and I in it.

"The recovery in economic activity that began in the second half of last year has continued at a moderate pace so far this year. Moreover, the economy — supported by stimulative monetary policy and the concerted efforts of policymakers to stabilize the financial system — appears to be on track to continue to expand through this year and next."

What exactly is "the recovery" when we are talking about people and how they navigate in the world?  Economic activity is you and I.  We get money and we give money i.e. economic activity.  What is this recovery between you and I?  "The economy" is people, but it takes Mr. Bernanke a minute or two to get to that topic.  He deals with this recovery as if "the people" were separate from "the economy."

Whatever "the economy" is (separate from "the people") Mr. Bernanke says it looks ready to expand.  Apparently because of the government and politicians, the economy is growing slowly.  Mr. Bernanke doesn't expand on whether private interest gave up on "the economy" or what exactly happened but one guess is that people don't have any money so they're not spending any money. 

What are we to do when nobody has any money to spend?  What happens to "the economy" then?

"The latest economic projections of Federal Reserve Governors and Reserve Bank presidents, which were made near the end of April, anticipate that real gross domestic product (GDP) will grow in the neighborhood of 3-1/2 percent over the course of 2010 as a whole and at a somewhat faster pace next year."

The funny thing is consumer spending has risen three and a half percent so far this year.  Federal Reserve Governors and Bank presidents apparently have looked at how much consumer spending has risen so far this year and extrapolated that this trend will continue for the rest of the year. 

Brilliant!  The economy is fickle and likes to buy brightly colored trinkets and doo-dads.

Consumer spending rises and the Economy rises firm and hard.  There is a strong correlation in this relationship.  One theory is that if all the money is moving around, then everyone is getting to touch it.  And if everyone is touching it, then the Economy is happy.  The Economy likes everyone touching it.  However, this is not the case because we are left to ponder the question: what happens when no one has any money to spend? 

Does that mean the Economy is limp?  If the Economy is limp,  do we send more troops to Iraq and Afghanistan to overcompensate for a limp Economy?  Would it make the Economy feel better to educate someone else's child when we can't afford to educate our own? 

Look to the formal side of the Economy for answers to these questions.  Address questions to the Federal Reserve Board of Governors for answers.  They've got a dot gov website , so they must be the good guys and gals in the world.  A quick scan of their website reveals they are taking part in clarifying gift card rules to help consumers.  Under "Recent Developments" a hyperlink titled "Written agreement with PremierWest Bancorp" reveals a very dense and complex explanation on an agreement between "the Federal Reserve," "the state of Oregon" and "PremierWest Bancorp."  (On a side note: the title "Recent Developments" is weird because it makes everything seem kind of out of anyone's control.  Things don't happen for reason necessarily- developments just take place around us.)

This side of the Economy will bore you to tears.  It is the Economy's day job to keep most people bored, so noone will pay attention to the schenanigans the Economy is up to at night.

The highlights of the document entitled "Written agreement with PremierWest Bancorp " seem to be the following:

• "The Federal Reserve" will allow "PremierWest Bancorp" to conduct their business as if they have enough money on hand at all times even if they don't because if money is needed "the Reserve" will simply guarantee the money is there.
• In exchange for conducting business like this, "PremierWest Bancorp" will not lend any money out unless "the Reserve" has approved the lending.
• "PremierWest Bancorp" will justify their existence to "the Reserve" on a continuous basis for the rest of its existence as a banking corporation by delivering regular presentations to the Board while expressing joy and sorrow in the appropriate places.

So what is the Federal Reserve?  Page one of the "Federal Reserve System Purposes " manual tells us the Federal Reserve System "was founded by Congress in 1913."  The Federal Reserve Act was signed into law by President Woodrow Wilson in 1913. 

You don't hear people singing Woodrow Wilson's praises much these days.

The key laws created since 1913 in response to the Federal Reserve System reads like a thick bowl of hearty alphabet soup.  According to Federal Reserve literature, "the Federal Reserve System is considered to be an independent central bank" because it doesn't answer to the U.S. President.  However, the U.S. Fed is subject to oversight by the U.S. Congress.  Their manual says, "The Federal Reserve must work within the framework of the overall objectives of economic and financial policy established by the government..."

The Economy is a central administration consisting of the Board of Governors in Washington, D.C. and 12 Reserve Banks around the country.  The Board of Governors are seven members of a federal agency appointed by the U.S President and confirmed by the U.S. Senate.  The term for a Governor at the Federal Reserve is 14 years.  The Board of Governors has a staff of 1,800 employees.

Within the area of their authority is the American financial system or the Economy.  Not only does the Federal Reserve Board of Governors have the authority to issue regulations impacting banks in their system, but also all U.S. banks.  The Chairman of the Board also has international money policy responsibilities as well.  The Economy is domineering, again much like a German dominatrix.

"The income of the Federal Reserve System is derived primarily from the interest on U.S. government securities that it has acquired through open market operations. Other major sources of income are the interest on foreign currency investments held by the System; interest on loans to depository institutions; and fees received for services provided to depository institutions, such as check clearing, funds transfers, and automated clearinghouse operations."

Who knows what the hell that quote really means because the Economy is mysterious like a cougar in heat?  The open market is big, in motion and important to our Economy, because the Economy can manipulate "open market operations" unlike its relationship with silver and gold.

In 2004, of the 7,700 commercial banks in the U.S. 2,900 were Federal Reserve System banks.  In order to become a member, banks have to pledge "6 percent of their capital and surplus" to one of twelve Federal Reserve Banks across the country.  The money in state banks comes from people who invest their funds in savings and checking accounts.  "Surplus," it seems, must be the money the bank is supposed to be holding onto for their clients.  In exchange for using their clients money with the Federal Reserve System "member banks receive a 6 percent dividend annually on their stock...not available for purchase by individuals or entities other than member banks."

Back to Ben Bernanke keeping it classy :

"The latest economic projections of Federal Reserve Governors and Reserve Bank presidents, which were made near the end of April, anticipate that real gross domestic product (GDP) will grow in the neighborhood of 3-1/2 percent over the course of 2010 as a whole and at a somewhat faster pace next year.  This pace of growth, were it to be realized, would probably be associated with only a slow reduction in the unemployment rate over time. In this environment, inflation is likely to remain subdued."

The Economy is apparently going to be okay, but it may just need a booty call every now and again.  Although the Economy may be out of work at any given time, it is okay because the Economy isn't looking for anything too serious. 

To solve the Economy's issues would require a conscience of steel and a vocabulary able to digest economic euphemisms and financial metaphors without getting indigestion.  According to recent reports on MSNBC, the Economy might like someone from the laboring class to represent for a while.

Countdown with Keith Olbermann: Post-Primary Aggression

In this condescending atmosphere of self-interested motivation and action, Fox News finds a way to make the Economy sexy with a sharp looking lady, some swooshing sound effects and bright, flickering lights.

Fox Business Network's Sandra Smith:

So if you know anyone that might be right for the Economy, just have them hang out for a while because they have a pretty good chance they'll get screwed by the Economy.