1. Let’s Take a Look at Taboo

 

Masturbation is such an ugly word.  So many people do it and yet, very few could look another in the eye while doing it.  Is it because it is the utmost sign of self involvement?  Could it be that we appear too close to our primordial roots?  What if a self-indulgent, pathetic waste of breath (like an ad agency) could devise a little ditty to really sell it?  Would we be able to look one another in the eye while doing it?

“In the morning, in the evening, masturbation is fun.

In the bathtub, little rub a dub, masturbation is fun.

Oh what a treat, when you get all sleek

People know it and they blow it, masturbation is fun.”

Admittedly, it’s not plop plop fizz fizz, but it has a catchy beat.  If that ad agency could get Kathy Lee to sing it, I guarantee it would take the world by storm.  Every red-blooded American boy masturbating until the channels of his television set stick together. 

Alas, I digress.

This is Taboo Plaza and if nothing else, you’ve just read something that you will probably never read anywhere else.

Are you better for the experience?  Probably not.  Did you waste your time?  With each breath you take a little more time was wasted, but you experienced something new.  It may not have been pleasant, but now you’ve moved beyond the hypothetical and you near the end of this document.  You no longer must wonder how you would’ve reacted because now you have reacted.  Now you know and knowing is half the battle. 

Snarf, snarf.

 

2.     Waiting for an Idea

 

President George W. Bush seemed to artfully dodge reporters for most of last week.  What with the death of Gerald Ford and Saddam Hussein, the press largely had no interest in America’s great thinker.

Therefore it all must be over now except the singing, right?  Courage appeared, followed by a Mission Accomplished.  A heart appeared as democracy expanded and flourished into the Middle East.  All this and now Dorothy’s coming home because ding dong the witch died December 30^th. 

That’s not the way it’s going down though.  Dorothy is not coming home.  In fact, Dorothy is getting shipped off to Iraq, because the Scarecrow is still trying to find his brain.  Although, maybe that’s not entirely fair.  The Scarecrow isn’t so much trying to find a brain as he’s just trying to come up with an idea.  Or even a strategy if you will.  A nugget would suffice in a pinch.  At this point a good reason for being in Iraq would probably quiet quite a few people in the world and that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Amidst George W’s struggle for a nugget, the situation in Iraq continues to become harder to saturate with democracy.

Š       Iraqi Prime Minister wants to resign

Nuri al-Maliki no longer has the heart to keep carrying out his duty as Iraqi Prime Minister.  Not only has he declined a second term in office, but he has flat out said he wants to be done with his first term as soon as possible.

This should present a bit of concern to anyone interested in seeing a stable Iraq.  Nuri al-Maliki was just sworn into office May of 2006.  Less than a year into a four year term, in the first Iraqi government to follow the Transitional Government, Iraq’s leadership dissolves into a job at Burger King.

      “This job sucks man.  I can’t wait until I get another job so I can quit this one.”

On the positive side, I’m sure there is somebody waiting in the wings with a Colt .45 willing to take the leadership position off al-Maliki’s hands.  On the downside, he really seemed to start out with some promise.

5/8/06 Intelligence Briefing: Iraq Struggles to Form a Government

 

depending on your point of view

 

http://www.challenge-mag.com/97/edit.htm

 

Š       Saddam death criticized

The security situation in Iraq is pretty bad, so it may be better that someone more rigid and less democratic take over there anyway.  People took video of Saddam’s execution with camera phones and the world is in an uproar.  Never mind that IUD’s go off every day and eviscerate thousands.  Iraqi executioners taunted Saddam before he went.

Couldn’t they have allowed him a dignified death? 

Why couldn’t they just allowed the rope to pull taut followed by a pant-load full of feces? 

Dignity in death is an inalienable right (I think that’s in the Constitution somewhere) so it’s good that some of the U.S.’s top commanders in Iraq are distancing themselves from this execution.

Major General William Caldwell said Americans didn’t have anything to do with the “facility where the execution took place.”  Did you see that dump?  Americans wouldn’t put a toilet in there, let alone kill a murderer of thousands. 

However, Caldwell’s statement does leave open the possibility that Americans may have had something to do with Hussein being executed.  It’s a drawn out logic, but start with WMD’s and finish up with Bush’s latest idea and all the while you can only blame Bush for being a dreamer.  It sure would be a good thing to spread peace.  It sure would.

It’s certainly reassuring to know that George W. is still "in the process of making up [his] final decision as to what to recommend" this late the game.  If you can say anything about W: he is a problem-involver.

http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/01/05/europe/web.0105merkel.php

 

3. Then Humans Discovered… (a fictitious chronicle)

 

Krunk knew very little and that was good.  It kept him alive.  Krunk knew where to eat, poop and sleep.  Like every surviving animal, Krunk knew the basics and the basics kept him alive.  Run when there is danger.  Chase in packs when the hunger comes gnawing.

Krunk searched for food one day and came up empty.  All of the spots that should’ve had plenty for him and his pack seemed bare.  It was a strange day indeed.  The sun beat down on him as he passed through pastures littered with cow dung.  Still warm between his toes, Krunk knew the cows lived somewhere nearby.  He couldn’t find them though. 

As he stepped in pile after pile, Krunk began to notice that some of the piles sort of crunched rather than just squishing.  He looked down to see a tiny mushroom of many colors.  Ohlong had once brought mushrooms back to the pack.  They tasted good and filled their bellies, but the mushrooms lived within random patterns.  The primal mind could not predict where next the mushroom might nest, so the pack paid them no mind after Ohlong’s discovery.

Also, the elder spoke of times before Ohlong.  The times lurked ominous indeed, because a bunch of mushrooms had killed off the biggest and strongest male elders.  The elders had eaten greedily and the mushrooms punished them by causing their insides to pour like blood.  The elders turned green as the sun rose and set.  They could not move from the spot where they lay and the stench of death eventually drove the pack away from them.

Krunk had not been there when these things took place.  He only had the word of the elder to know that this was the truth, but Ohlong’s mushrooms tasted good.  They filled his belly that day.

With that thought in mind, Krunk began to look at the ground around him.  He saw a field of multi-colored mushrooms as far as he could see.  The rainbows grew out from the cow feces.  Krunk, being a smart ape, tasted a small piece of one mushroom first.  It didn’t taste bad.  Krunk wondered at the elder’s tale and heeding the text of the narrative he chose to slowly eat this field of mushrooms.  He truly believed the mushrooms had punished the male elders for eating greedily.

Krunk ate this field of mushrooms, one at a time, slowly but surely.  By the time he stopped his fingers were numb and his vision blurred.  He thought for sure he might die.  Krunk lay down in the field of rainbows and looked at the sky.  Krunk noticed the clouds for the first time.  He recognized in one of the clouds his mate Sura.  Sura floated across the sky eating a skunk.  Krunk thought about this for a moment and sudden gasps of breath and sound escaped his mouth.

On this day, Krunk discovered laughter.

 

4.     Getting to Know Your Government

 

Richard Shelby (Republican, Alabama)

o       1957: University of Alabama, B.A.

o       1963: University of Alabama, J.D.

o       1966- 1970: U.S. Magistrate for the Northern District of Alabama

o       1970- 1978: Alabama Senate

o       1978- 1986: U.S. Representative

o       1986- present: U.S. Senate

 

Jeff Sessions (Republican, Alabama)

o       Religion- United Methodist

o       1969: Huntingdon College in Montgomery, B.A.

o       1973: University of Alabama, J.D.

o       1981- 1993: United States Attorney for Alabama’s Southern District

o       1994- 1996: Alabama Attorney General

o       1996- present: U.S. Senate

§         Replaced Senator Howell Heflin who retired after 18 years

 

Ted Stevens (Republican, Alaska)

o       Religion- Episcopal

o       1947: University of California, B.A.

o       1950: Harvard Law School, J.D.

o       1953- 1956: U.S. Attorney for Fairbanks Alaska

o       1964- 1968: Alaska House of Representatives

o       1968- present: U.S. Senate

§         He was first appointed by the governor of Alaska to replaced deceased Senator Bob Bartlett the first senator in Alaska after being granted statehood.

§         He is currently the longest serving Republican in the Senate

 

Lisa Murkowski (Republican, Alaska)

o       Religion- Roman Catholic

o       1980: Georgetown University, B.A.

o       1985: Willamette University, J.D.

o       1998- 2002: Alaska House of Representatives

o       2002- present: U.S. Senate

§         Appointed by her father Governor Frank Murkowski to fill the Senate seat he vacated by being elected governor.

 

5.     Our Nation is Now Dumber for This…Thank You for Your Participation!

 

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline got their problems worked out until January’s over and stuff but after that they’ll just play it by ear and stuff.

Sounds like Britney's got someone to kick Kevin's ass

Now that we‘ve warmed our hearts knowing that Britney and Kevin are cool, lets agree to not write anything else about these two until they do something significant again. 

Even if Britney loses some weight and starts looking slutty again; that would qualify as a good reason to bust out some ink.  Without an achievement though, it’s already been done better by Jerry Springer.

Peace.

 

6.     Down On Rage Street

There comes a time for everyone to evaluate their state of unhappiness.  Some people (the vocal minority) piss and moan about their state of misery.  It sits on them like a stench from an unused garbage disposal.  They refuse to hear the words that we all feel from time to time.  (I must believe we all feel it, because work is not a hobby.)  The dissatisfaction with a lot in life or a period of time, events send you fleeing down the alley of pity followed by a hollow of self-righteousness leaving you used up and oppressed. 

In this misery hides an answer.  What is the answer?  Don’t ask the question.  Just listen.  Shut the mouth.  Turn off the mind.  Stop thinking for just long enough to hear the word unspoken. 

Is it God? 

Who can tell?

There are many men and women willing to assign or take credit for the voice non-vocal.  Some people go crazy from it.  It’s there and it’s talking in ideas.  All the time it talks and much of what it says is nonsense.  Déjà vu, ESP, schizophrenia, magic and trickery come from the unmouthed speaker. 

In this quiet chaos lies answers, but we all have to be listening.

Call it God, the Way or get even more specific; it is all around us and fighting it generates miserable lives.  The great thing is that you don’t have to read any books.  Just ask yourself a question and take pride in yourself by honoring the answer openly. 

Stop talking about what you believe and demonstrate it.  Shut up and do it.

It’s that simple.

Get out.  Stay in.  It doesn’t matter.  Stop at some point and think about what you believe.  What truths do you hold cardinal?  With a group or without, who are you and do you like yourself?  What would you have thought of yourself now when you were 7 years old?

To all the douche bags unwilling to see themselves as such; if people don’t offer conversation to you they may be thinking.  If people don’t offer you conversation systematically, you are a douche bag.  The good thing is that there is a cure. 

Stop doing what you’re doing right now.

Take a deep breath.

Think of the number 1 over and over and over again.

If another thought gets in there: think of number 2.

When you zoned into the state of not thinking consciously, relax and start thinking.

What’s that first thought?  Any significance? 

Don’t worry if there is nothing there.  That’s okay.  The unvoiced voice speaks in an unspoken tirade of tangents and bad jokes.  Like 1,000 monkeys pounding on typewriters, eventually brilliance will emerge.

That brilliance is spare and fleeting but when it’s heard- a life may transform.

 

7.     My Butt-hole Bleeds for You

 

Former Miss Nevada 2007, Katie Rees, gets my pity this week.  As of December 21^st, she no longer gets to hold the privilege of representing such a fine state as Nevada.  Between the Mormons and the prostitutes, it is readily apparent why such high standards must be held for the Miss Nevada title. 

Your common everyday slum lord from a state unlike fine old Nevada might have no standards whatsoever.  They may not even be ethically enabled according to modern studies, but the caliber of men who own casinos and strip clubs is impeccable.  They lie away from us haughtily; beyond reproach.  You must be clean in spirit and respectful of others to represent the grand old state of Nevada.

Katie Rees is the victim here though. 

Do you want to see the photos, if not; don't click this link

What did she really do other than show a little titty?  She didn’t really fellate a guy on film.  She only pretended to in those pictures.  I’m sure she didn’t even know the camera was there.

Poor Katie was much younger in those pictures.  She was only 19 years old and now that she just turned 22 she must have gained a world of wisdom. 

What was Katie to do when she was young, drunk and stupid?  It’s not like sucking another girl’s nipples is a felony.  Katie Rees is a girl’s girl.  Sucking another girl’s nipples will get a lot of guy’s attention.  That’s all.  Guys hoot and holler.  Katie drinks a bit more.  The guys take pictures.  What’s the problem? 

If we’re going to hold Katie Rees to these rigid standards, all the future women in the Girls Gone Wild videos may actually have repercussions for their hasty actions. 

Oh the cruel irony, the cruel, cruel irony; that responsibility does begin shortly after the point of self-awareness.

 

8.     Tip of the week

 

Start living.  Don’t let yourself get to the point where the muzzle of a pistol might seem tasty.  Don’t let yourself regret what you didn’t do.  The day will come where you’ll ask yourself what did I do and the true question now is will you like the answer? 

Feel the way you should go and then go that way.

 

9. Birthday Shout Out for the 1^st Week of January

 

The following people are recognized for their one special day that they share with thousands of others.  Inclusion into this space of the world-wide web does not indicate an endorsement of practices, beliefs or even a liking for their product.  These people have just done something noteworthy.  I hope one day I can be included into my own list, but as Groucho Marx once said, “I would never join a group that would have me as a member.”

 

1.      (1/1/1919) J.D. Salinger- He is most notably known for writing “The Catcher in the Rye,” but then again that inspired this:

a.       Chapter 13 reenactment

b.      For inspiring this, he may be taken off the list next year.

2.      (1/1/1958) Grandmaster Flash- I know you all got the message.

a.       The Message

3.      (1/2/1940) Jim Bakker- Check out the kid and tell me you don’t believe in karma.

a.       Nicely embedded in the Ozark mountains...seems kind of fitting

b.      Honestly I couldn’t sit through the whole show, but his son is in the house and I can’t imagine why he’d want to hide his identity.

4.      (1/2/1968) Cuba Gooding Jr.- What’s to say…go on with yourself black man.

5.      (1/3/1945) Stephen Stills- A great day for musicians…Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young should be commissioned to make the national anthem.

a.       Even though they're old, they still kick...although they could stand to lose the barefoot hippy

6.      (1/3/1946) John Paul Jones- There’s only four members to Led Zepplin and to be among the four would be a wonderful thing.

a.       John Paul on the bass playing "Going to California"

7.      (1/4/1914) Jane Wyman- When you’ve worked as much as this lady did you deserve some fricking respect.

a.       http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0943837/

8.      (1/4/1935) Floyd Patterson- Ali couldn’t have been the greatest without someone to punch in the face.

a.       He's a braver man than I

9.      (1/5/1931) Robert Duvall- Love…Smell…Napalm…Morning….this guy is awesome for that alone.

a.       That's not even to mention his work in M.A.S.H. or Sling Blade...mmm, hmmm.

10.  (1/5/1946) Diane Keaton- Quite the impressive resume.

a.       Check out them chops...mmmm porkchops

11.  (1/5/1950) Chris Stein (aka Blondie)- Quite the punk chick

a.       Performing on Saturday Night Live in 1979

12.  (1/5/1969) Brian Hugh Warner (aka Marilyn Manson)- What can you say about Marilyn that won’t just turn him on?

a.       On David Letterman

13.  (1/6/1912) Danny Thomas- Without him you wouldn’t have Barney Fife…that’s quite the contribution in my book.

a.       http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0858683/

14.  (1/6/1913) Loretta Young- I was thinking of Loretta Lynn when I first collected this name on my B-Day list.

a.       After doing a little research I found out this chick is hot!!!

15.  (1/6/1946) Syd Barrett- Pink Floyd sure did get a lot better after they got rid of this guy.

a.       This might be a good reason not to take drugs

                                                                           i.      He sang about his bike for god’s sake: “I’ve got a bike you can ride it if you like it’s got a basket…”

                                                                         ii.      Don't believe me...check out the lyrics

16.   (1/6/1953) Malcolm Young- AC/DC rocks!!!

a.       And this could be a solid reason to take drugs

 

17.  (1/6/1955) Rowan Atkinson- Anybody that can get paid for being a retard is okay in my book.

a.       It's not Mr. Bean, but then again it's not Mr. Bean

 

18.  (1/6/1968) John Singleton- He wrote and directed Boyz in the Hood one of the best movies written or made about the inner city black experience.

a.       http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005436/